Monday, March 19, 2012

Vulnerable

Truth time. I did not really want to move. Shocker i know. I did not want to leave my family. It was not what I wanted to do. I told myself I might like it. It will be adventure ( I always claimed I wanted to move around and experience a lot of different things) I told myself it would be good for me. I will be able to find more of myself grow to be more independent and self reliant. Be braver. I will develop new talents because of my go get it attitude and time. I will live that blogger happy little family life instead of my big family real life, that I love and cherish.

I have been surprised that I haven't cried that much. Really the only time was when my plumbing over flowed for the 5th time or so shortly after moving in and I was alone and it was a mess. I cried then. But shouldn't I be crying more. I felt like crying on the inside but no tears came. I have been able to hold it together and for that I am still shocked.

We are in our routine now. Starting to make some friends in our not so young ward. Which has been a request in all of my prayers it seems like. We are surrounded by Justin's family which has been so nice! I am blessed with good in laws. But I miss home. I hoped this would be temporary until I won my hgtv dream home. I now wish for my hours back I spent entering myself my husband and my mom since I did not win.

I am happy quite often but also sad quite often. I have adjusted...I am still just unsure about the adjustment ( and I'm in the perfect weather season. I can't even imagine summer.)

I have never been so happy and content in my entire life because of being Isla's mother. But I keep searching for something for me... A talent,skill, hobby... I need to work on me. But that is a daunting task to begin...especially when you are unsure of what you are seeking.

I want home. I think I will always want home. Its late and we will see how long I keep this post up... I usually don't publicly open up like this but I was too lazy to get out the journal. For now these are my personal, vulnerable thoughts. Who knows if this is even coherent. I'm too tired to check. Well that's the end of this for now...

3 comments:

Kayla said...

I SO wanted to win the HGTV dream home too!! haha, did you watch the special on saturday? they showed how they pick the winner and showed who won. lucky lady!! I'm so with you on this subject, there are a few times where me and my husband might have moved and still might move in the future. and I don't want to, I like home and I'm so stubborn about it. It sounds like you have a good attitude about it though! :) Hope you start feeling better about all of this!

rebecca said...

I felt the same way when we moved to England. We felt so lonely and forgotten. Now we're staying with my mom for a couple months before starting our PhD and we're overwhelmed and missing our own space/independence. I'd hard to find a good balance. Spending time for yourself helps.

April said...

what a great post - I'm sure I'm going to feel like this when I move to CT...you are awesome for being real

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